Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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