awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
