went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
