Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize