Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
