She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
