are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
