Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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