Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
