you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize