My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
