Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
