Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
