Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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