Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We left the knife in your bed.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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