T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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