Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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