So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Sober January is a disaster.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
