This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
even my farts smell like vagina
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
How's work?
Spinning.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
