I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
