fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
