Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
