glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
