my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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