the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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