Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
