Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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