Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
