I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
