I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
