Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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