so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
