So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i drank out of a bidet.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Randomize
