Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
