I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
