Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
