I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
