You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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