I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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