I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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