They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize