Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
