Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
