its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
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