he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
she pinky promised me she was 18
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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