At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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