Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
