she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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