Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
