can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
