i jhust puked up my retainher.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think my vagina is haunted
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
