The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
