So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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