i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
