I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
