I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
