Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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