I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
