You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
