dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Houston, we have a blender
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
